Saturday, April 27, 2013

The Quest for Proper Spelling Part 4: Our Pants aren't Dead

Johnel: Welcome back to this special hell about the Holey Grail I'm your host and with me as always is my co host Ienzo!

Ienzo: Why the fuck am I back here!?

Johnel: Clones. Besides your other option was to preform Swim This Way.

Ienzo: But.. I... Just get it over with you idiot.

They followd the trail to a large cave in the cave was lots of spider webs.

Johenl: Could it be that the drak ones have corrupted Spiderman!!!

Ienzo: I hate you.

Harry was scare but Aurthr said "Do not be scared it is only web" and slash them with exalibur so they all fell down. They walked into the cave and then they saw some spider cocoons with gandalf, sam, frodo, aragorn and the rest inside. "Help"

Johnel:*As Frodo* I've lost my punctuation!

cried frodo and so they cut down the coocoos and set them free. "What happened" said Aurthr "it was spiders they trapped us in the web" "Did you kill them"

Ienzo: They... you... web..... how.............*Smacks Johnel wiht Lexicon*......... Yes they did kill them. They valiantly slayed the arachnids in a battle that would make the poets weep and cause young maidens to become pregnant at the sight and then decided to trap themselves in this cave FOR FUCKING SHITS AND GIGGLES! DOESN'T THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU!?

Johnel: Note to self get Ienzo some appoitments with Chambers... also start wearing a helmet during these things.

"No they are still there" and then the heard a loud hiss.

Johnel: I'm betting snakes what about you?

Ienzo: The fuse on a bomb so they'll all die horrible deaths.

Suddenly two monster spider came down from cealing it was Shelob and Aragog!


 They were working for dark ones.


Dark ones you say? What a twist not only do our heros have to confront the horrible evil of the drak ones but now a second group rises from the shadows to...
Ienzo: *Lexicon smash* Shut up they get the joke you annoying smear on my existance.

 Many baby spiders came also. "Attack" cried aragog and then the baby spiders attacked. Arthr stabed some with excalibur and harry did a flipondo spel and knock some down a big hole. Hagrid stomped some and fluffy eat them and the lord of the rings people also stab some baby spiders.

Johnel: Got to love how it is just the Lord of the Rings people. So unloved are the Fellowship.

 Indian jones kill some with his wip. Then when they had won Agargog and shelobb attacked and also the terror spiner spider from zuludrak in world of Wacraft.

Ienzo: That explains far too much about this writer than I'd ever wish to know.

merry and pipen got caught and eaten but everyone else fort the spiders and then they died. "I am sorry mery and pipin" said gandalf "but now we must defeat the dark ones" and so they all started to go toward the dark one lair to make the ultimate wepon to destroy it.

Johnel: Fantastic ending. "Well I'm sorry you are being eaten alive by spiders but fuck you both we've got better shit to do!"

Ienzo: Yes you can tell the author is playing favorites. Okay that is another chapter of this trash done am I allowed to go back to my research.

Johnel: Yeah this is only going to be a once and awhile bite sized type of thing. What are you doing now anyways?

Ienzo: Weaponizing the concept of cute. If my calculations are correct, which of course they are, I can create a super weapon no darkness could withstand!

Johenl: Your just creating some genetically engineered franken pet to get laid aren't you?

Ienzo: *Delivers boot to the head* Shut up you undergrad piece of slime. *Warps out*

Friday, April 26, 2013

Riffer Guy Part 2: In Which I Rant About Things

Johnel: Well it is time to jump back into webcomic hell so join me would you kindly. Also did a quick check at the other options on the page for this comic and found some cast "info" not really going to bother with the details but it suggests that the main character, who I refuse to call by that Mary Sue name, is 21. I'd want to call bullshit but my faith in humanity is somewhat low right now. Also as it says she doesn't like bananas...

Okay so enough delay let's do another four.

Johnel: Wow she suffers the delusion that anyone would have wanted to but their penis in her. Okay that's cruel but honestly this page was just awful. So let's break it down.

1. Art: Now I'm not sure if it is a good thing this has just a plain white background. On the one hand the shit backgrounds from before are gone but on the other hand that means the artist is just being lazy about adding them in. Also this habit of the artist to have characters hair be see through when it comes to eyes just freaks me out and isn't and art style choice I would aprrove of. Now it has become obvious there is a anger state design that involves the hair, also hat for some reason, changing to represent mood. My problem is though that I'm pretty sure her shoulders should not suddenly sprout spikes and remove her undershirt straps. Also she is holding a mystery item again in the first panel for no apparent reason. I have a feeling that is to become a theme.The other two look okay but part of the chin line on the other girl is too thick and makes it looks like she has a beard.

2. Joke: Okay so I'm guessing the idea is that she has an ex boyfriend who she hates for no reason. In fact the image makes the guy look like he is still willing to be social if not on a romantic level while the main character comes off as bitter and unwilling to move on. Yet for some reason I'm sure we are supposed to agree on her view of him. If you are going to make him look like a prick have him drive up with a car of cheerleaders like Gary Motherfucking Oak and taunt you about how much better he is without you. Sure it might be unrealistic but so is the fact you somehow got over 50 comcis made.

Johnel: You..... it...... he..... boobs....

Fucking hell this went downhill fast. Okay let's break this one done as well.

1. Art: Okay really with that lazy ass..... uh game shelf I think. Couldn't even keep the boxes straight and what is with some being colored and like two looking like they have cover art. Did you get bored go on a yaoi porn break and forget to finish?! Also really that is the male nerd design you have going. It is like the most obviously stupid short hand to ever exist. Hell you are supposed  to be a gamer and know that they don't look like this. In fact some male nerds can look even like this......

Honestly it doesn't matter that this is supposed to be a character we don't like you could have done it with a less stupid visual short hand.

2. Everything Else: Just everything about this is wrong. First it is ego stroking by the creator for she is saying "I'm so desirable and sexy men can't keep themselves from hitting on me teehee". Of course this is also combined with a strange hatred for men that most likely exist on an equal scale of nerd as you claim to be. Worse yet his reaction is to straight forward and to be funny should have more incorperated something like him being silent but breathing heavly behind her. Which with the right facial expression and stance being drawn could be comedic. Could be because I do find this type of joke is older than Chuck Yeager, who is an awesome person by the way, and even in the time you made it could be considered a half rotten horse corpse at best. Overall I find this strip woefully offensive and that the creator should be given the following message......

Johnel: Oh yes Mary-Sue Von Stupid Hat astound us with your superior gaming knowledge! Seriously this is supposed to be the fucking joke really? You know besides he said Symphony of the Night not Kid Dracula and even if you go with the Kid Dracula being Alucard arguement that would mean he'd at least know about Castlevania 3 because that also has Alucard. Also Curse of Darkness really? I haven't touched it in forever but I'm asking more because wasn't that one of the big Yaoi fangirl bait games?

No I'm not talking about Catlevania to ignore this fucking comic and I resent the accusation. Thought I still hate that eyes under the hair thing it is going to forever get on my nerves. Aso can you decicde wheter his frames are round or square madam I'd like a little consistant art please. Also one final note before I move to the final comic for this part but what is with the small reference pool? I mean for a superior nerd you are really writing in the obvious choices. I mean if it is to make the.... guy with glasses.... look less nerdy than you I guess that would work but it isn't like you went and picked up anything more out there yourself. Either way with the initial offense of the last comic gone this one is just boring.

Johnel: I Fucking Knew It! Yaoi fangirl see had to be a yaoi fangirl making this type of shit. Hell I'm pretty sure guy thinking her freaky is supposed to make him look worse based on the warped reality this chick probablly still lives in. I'd really like it if horny as fuck teenage, I know the creator claims to being around 20 but she has the mentality of one, girls stop judging the sexuality of fictional characters because you find it hot. I mean hell I'm not even against Yaoi but fuck can you write a good story just once please?! I mean I'm sexually attracted to men and you don't see me writing characters from the material I make fun of wanting to do eatchother or have me do them. I also hate how this type of person can't seem to judge it by anything else because noooooooo.... everything has to be judged on how hot it would look for to males characters to fuck eatchother! Hell it will be people like this that set back good homosexual characters with rounded personalities from being created! Further more......

Sorry got carried away there. Oh also what the fuck is with that first dialogue thing? "So which one was your favorite? What was that?" I mean I guess he is asking what Lament of Innocence was, for the curious it is the origin story of Dracula and the vampire killer whip, but the way the rest of the dialogue is structured and placed makes that seem to not flow very well.

Still I think I've stomached enough of this comic for one day. Maybe it will get better next part...

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Riffer Guy Part 1: Fucking Epic!!!!

Johnel: You know sometimes reading bad fanfiction can be damaging to ones sanity... if I was in anyway sane. Though that is besides the point for today we are going a different route with webcomics!

Johnel: So I spent my time and found the worst thing I could get that wasn't porn. It's....

.... Unfunny slice of life about girl gamers that does more damage to their genders credibility as gamers than adds to it! Anyways here is the first 8 pages.

Johnel: Now from the first page you can see the major problems this little piece of hell will have throughout.

1. The Art: Despite at least doing some work on her character models... well okay it looks like what I see when reading self insert fics but at least I can vaguely descripe it as human. The background and props on the other hand look awful. Like look at the first panel and tell me what the hell that rainbow colored thing she is supposed to be holding is I'll wait.

Did you guess? Well good for you because to me it just looks like the artist had a brief arguement with MS Paint and that was the result. Then there is that poster that looks like it was ripped from somewhere else and just distracts the reader from the meat of the comic. Not that the meat of the comic is worth anything. Finally really that is how you are going to draw yoru game console, as a black box with a childs scribbles on it.

The worst part is I've read through it and over the years no improvement was in sight.

2. Humor: There is none. Either the writer forgets to tell a joke or any attempts at humor just fall flat in execution. Like this first page I can get what the joke is, it is about how life can be hard and video games helps our character deal with it. The problem is she suffers from a horrid case of forgeting to show and not tell. If we saw a series of comedically over the top issues followed by the life is good bit we might have a working panel but instead you just list off that X sucks and leave it at that.

Well maybe we'll get some character or logic with page two.

Johnel: Okay so page two for some reason feels like it should have came before page one, also it feels like there is some panels missing before the first one, plust context, plus and actual background instead of blobs of color. Joke wise it also fails on just not having a good execution again. I mean someone acting like an asshole because your boss says to say happy holidays to a customer, which is my guess at what the context is, can be funny but you need to build up the punch line and honestly the one telling main character chick go to hell should probably be a bit more animated in their stance for the mildly annoyed look doesn't sell it.

Johnel: The third page is once again just poor joke execution so I don't feel much need to go into much detail. Though once again the artists just draws mildly annoyed instead of about to pass out tired. I mean I think the hair is supposed to be messed up but the line alterations and general tendancy for off model character makes it hard to tell. So this could really use details on the character and more panels to sell the concept.

Johnel: The foruth page isn't really a comic just a Halloween pic. Also who is the phantom chick I don't remember her being introduced... unless go to hell lady is meant ot be a recuring character. Also fantastic job pushing the plight of the girl gamer forward with cleavage, keep up the good fight. Hell I think the artist even increased her self insert character's bust size for this pic.

Johnel: Bad comic you don't introduce characters like this! Hell even when I had Ganondorf just pop out of nowhere as part of the whole genre joke thing I got giong on with this blog I think it went better. Also Kirei and Suiren really? Fucking really? Those are some of the most Mary-Sue sounding names I've ever heard did you tink you could get away with that? Yet the most aggravating thing of all is.....
Why does she have a Koromon on her head!?
Johnel: Oh great the other major issue with this comic. Pages that instead of having a joke that falls flat just have nothing of interest at all. I mean she has dots and thinks fuck. Where is the comedy in that. Hell what does she even mean by fuck? Is she mad, depressed, missing her hat, or is she coming off a fucking yaoi dream and stained the sheets. There is no context, there is nothing!
Johnel: Well it isn't like she had anything insightful to say before so I'm fine with this. Also speech bubbles use them. Now there is an authors note thing that says she did loose her voice but that just makes the comic feel like in jokes between her and her stupid friends that they thought the rest of us would get.

Fucking Epic!!!!!!

Well I've had all I can take see you all next part.