Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A Nightmare on Hyrule Field Part 10: It Looks Like a Potato Covered in Mucus

Ganondorf: Why is it that I’m the first one back here?

Johnel: Link is still in a therapy session with Chambers and Zelda is hungover.

The Miracle

Johnel: One.

Ganondorf: One? One what exactly.

Johnel: You’ll see.

         The next few days were hard on me, the dizziness became horrid and I started to feel sick. It got so bad that I had to rest in bed. Then came the false labor. The pains were so intense that I felt as if my whole body was in a vise.

Ganondorf: Good.

 I couldn't get up out of bed without the pains making me feel like falling over. Link had to care for me. I ate all of my meals in bed. And when it was time to bathe Link had to help me to the tub to wash me. It was hard, I felt helpless. But Link had told me that he was glad to care for me. I was going to give birth to our baby any day now. And he did not want to see me or the baby get hurt.

Ganondorf: He can’t slit her throat until after she has produced his spawn.

 Then a few nights later it happened.

    I woke up and rustled Link awake. "Link honey wake up, its time!" I was going into labor. "Grumble." "Go back to sleep."

Johnel: Not really all that funny.

 Link said as he rolled over. Then I shook him again. "Link, WAKE UP.....I'm going into labor!" I cried as I shook him. "Wha, What?!" "Oh my Goddesses, its time!" He jumped out of bed, grabbed his robe and went to get Navi and Lilly. As he opened the door, I heard him calling for our fairies. "LILLY, NAVI come quickly!" Link cried. "What is the matter?" Navi asked. "Navi, you and Lilly must fly to the castle quickly, fetch Princess Zelda and the healer!"

Johnel: You know maybe you shouldn’t have stayed in the Lost Woods this close to the end of her pregnancy.

"Jenna's going into labor, its time!" " And please make haste." Link cried in urgency. "Lilly hurry, we must go!" Navi screeched. Then Lilly and Navi flew off to fetch Princess Zelda and the healer.

 I didn't have long. The baby was on its way. I felt the contractions become less spaced apart. I hoped that Lilly and Navi would bring the healer here quickly. I tried to hold the baby back, but that was no longer any good after my water broke. "I cannot hold the baby back any longer, Link!" "My water just broke!"

Ganondorf: I feel insulted that we had to be informed of this twice.

 "One way or another this baby is coming." I cried as my breathing became labored. "Just hang in there my love, Lilly and Navi will be back soon with Princess Zelda and the healer." Link was getting more concerned with each passing minute. Then a horse came plodding up to the front of the house and I heard voices. " Goddesses.....they're.....finally here!" I said in between gasps of breath. Link ran out the door to hurry them along. Then a minute later he came back with the healer followed by Princess Zelda. "Princess, go get some pillows and blankets!" "And be quick about it." After Princess Zelda came back with the pillows, she put a pillow under my head and the blankets over and under my body. Then Link came to my side and held my hand.

Ganondorf: ….. Yes for a member of the royal family is going to be who you want helping deliver your child. Useless fools can hardly handle their own excrement.


         "Hurry the baby is coming!" I cried as the contractions became closer together. "You must breath slower." "Take a deep breath." " Now push!" The healer yelled. I felt the baby trying to come out but something was wrong. "Push harder!" She called again "I'm hard as I can,...DAMNIT!" I screamed. "Princess, do you see the head yet." "No, not yet!" Zelda cried. " something, did this!" "DAMNIT.....get this thing....out of me....NOW!"

Johnel: This dialogue is so generic and unentertaining I almost want to be reading bad yaoi. At least then I’m not bored.

 I cried as the pain got worse. I started to curse as the pain became more intense. "Damn YOU...Link!" I screamed as I looked up at him.(but afterwards I told him I was sorry.)

Ganondorf: Of course you did.

"You must calm down." Take deep breaths......thats it." "Princess anything yet?" "No, mistress

Ganondorf: Mistress?! This “writer” really does take enjoyment in stripping Zelda of any social standing doesn’t she.

Johnel: Well it could be they in a dominance based relationship.

Ganondorf:*Punches Johnel* You are a sick mind.

something is wrong!" Zelda cried as she looked up. "What?!" The healer yelled as a look of pure shock cross her face. "The baby's head is not facing down!" Zelda cried again.



          With those words came our worst nightmare. My face went white as a sheet and so did Link's. At that moment I thought our baby was going to die. I started to cry as the thought of loosing our baby looked evident.

Ganondorf: I’d feel great joy if the child did die.

Johnel: It’s a baby!

Ganondorf: It is a monster not fit to belong in this world.

 "We must act quickly!" "We have to get the baby's head turned!" The healer yelled as she prepared to go in and turn the baby's head.

Johnel: Wait so this women is somehow going to stick her hands into another woman’s box which currently has a baby in it and turn the thing around. For the love of the Savior Sparda why did the author think any of that bullshit would make sense!

 As Zelda and the healer worked quickly together they managed to get the baby's head in the right direction. "We got the baby's head facing down now PUSH!" The healer cried again. "URAGH" I screamed as I pushed with every ounce of strength I had. "Mistress I see the head!" "Now hands, feet....."Then the next thing that I heard was music to my ears, a baby crying.

Ganondorf: Apparently that worked somehow.

         "Oh Goddesses.....congratulations its a boy!" Zelda cried. Tears of happiness ran down my cheeks as I squeezed Link's hand. Then Zelda took and wrapped the tiny baby in a blanket and gave him to me. I cried even more as I held the tiny miracle

Johnel: Two.

Ganondorf: This insufferable writer is going to be over using that word isn’t she?

Johnel: Yes she is.

 in my arms. "He looks just like you my love."

Johnel: It is a newborn baby it looks like a potato covered in mucus.

 I said softly as I looked up at Link. "We made this tiny miracle

Johnel: Three.

 together." I laid my head against Link's chest as I looked at the baby's little face. "What shall we call him?" "Since he is a boy, and it was a son you wanted you pick the name my love." I said as I looked into Link's eyes. "Link the second he shall be called." Link said with pride. "After his own father." " Named after a legend." "Link Jr."

Johnel: Despite it being a bit stupid having at least one son named Link makes some sense.

Ganondorf: Not really.


Ganondorf: Well the hero is always a mute and seeing as I very rarely hear anyone conversing with him I have no evidence that all of the heroes share a name.

Johnel: That or the pick a name feature somehow manifests in your reality but whatever that isn’t important.

I said softly. "Welcome into the world little Link." I laid there and held little Link in my arms. I now felt complete. I had Link. Now I had a son with him. This was the most beautiful gift Link gave me. He gave me......a miracle.

Johnel: Four. Also sexist.

   The Blessing

          A few days later word had spread through Hyrule that Link and I just had a baby. When the King heard that Link had a son he was just delighted. He was going to have a blessing ceremony for the baby when I was well enough to get out of bed.

Johnel: Have any idea what that means?

Ganondorf: No.

 Link spent the time I was in bed caring for me and our son. For the first few days we were keeping little Link in the room with us. It was safer and easier when he needed to be fed. Since I was breast-feeding him it was not much for me to get up and get him out of his cradle. There was the chair in the corner for me to use during feeding time.

 I was surprised that for the most part Link Jr. slept through most nights.

Johnel: For of course the beautiful perfect Jenna can’t deal with a realistic experience of raising a child. Oh no we must remove 50% of all difficult because the bitch is such a blessing to the multiverse.

But there were a few times where he cried in the middle of the night to be changed or fed. But I was glad to have this little miracle. He was my pride and joy. I finally had a family. A family to call my own.

Ganondorf: Seeing as this women apparently had no family in her homeland waiting for her.

When I was well enough to leave the bed we sent word to the Royal Family that I was ready. Two days later, we had the blessing ceremony.

The King had everyone in Hyrule attend.

Johnel: At this rate you’d think the common folk would be getting pissed they keep having to go to this shit.

He wanted everyone to meet the "Hero of Time's" first-born son. Also his name was to be announced to everyone after he was blessed. The sun was bright as I walked out of the Lost Woods and onto Hyrule Field. I was carrying Link Jr. in my arms. Link walked at my side as we went. I watched as little Link giggled when he saw the sun.

Ganondorf: I believe at least from what has been given to us that the child is far too young to “giggle”.

Johnel: Hell probably not even old enough to hold his head up on his own yet.

 "This is the outside world my son." "Look." I said as I held him so he was facing Hyrule Field. He giggled and his little eyes lit up as he saw the new outside world. I smiled at Link as he giggled. "He is so beautiful my love." "He is the best gift you ever gave me." I said as I looked into his blue eyes. Link leaned over and kissed me, smiled, then put his arm around me. When we reached the Castle Gates Princess Zelda, Impa and the King were there to greet us. We were taken to the Castle Courtyard where everyone was waiting to meet the son of the "Hero of Time."

Johnel: Pretty sure you already said that.

         There was a lot of bustle as people waited to see the son of Link and Jenna.

Johnel: Why did she refer to herself in the third person?

 I looked from behind the archway and saw that the Sages had attended, and to my surprise even Princess Ruto was there.

Ganondorf: I’d assume this is when that theory of her stealing the child away will happen.

 Even the Zora and Goron races attended to see this blessed event. I cuddled our son as I waited for the King to announce us. Link smiled when our little son looked up at him, smiled big and giggled. I saw Link's face just light up when I handed our son to him. I nearly cried as I watched Link cuddle our little miracle.

Johnel: Five.

Little Link meant as much to me as his father, my whole world revolved around them. They were my life.

Johnel: Ever think of getting like a hobby or something?

I listened as the King made his speech, then we were announced. I looked in to my love's eyes and told him it was time to bless our son. Link handed Link Jr. to me and we went to show all of Hyrule the son of a legend.

 I held the tiny baby gently in my arms as we walked out to greet all of Hyrule. Then as we walked out a loud cheer rose from the awaiting crowd. Zelda played her lullaby

Johnel: Not really the song for presenting Link’s kid but whatever.

 as I prepared our little son to be held high. When she finished the King spoke once more. "My people, this is a time of blessing." "A new life has entered our world, a life born by Hyrule's legend." "Once a boy of destiny, left the forest and became a man." "He entered the Temple of Time and pulled the Master Sword from its resting place." "Thus he became the "Hero of Time." "His destiny became Hyrule's salvation." "His bravery saved us from a life of darkness."

Both: We know!

 "Then with his duties completed, he found and took a wife." "Now that hero and his wife have been blessed with a new baby boy." "I now present the "Hero of Time" Link, his wife Jenna, and their new son." Then the King smiled at us and gave us way. I handed our son to Link and we walked forward, to where all of Hyrule could see our new son. I stood by Link's side as he looked down over all of Hyrule.

 "I, Link the "Hero of Time" present our new son, Link the Second!" He yelled as he held our son up high for all of Hyrule to see. A loud cheering rose from the people of Hyrule as Link held our son up high.


I smiled as everyone cheered, I felt happy. This was truly a special time in our little son's life.

After our son was presented, it was time for our son to be blessed. Rauru the Light Sage

Ganondorf: I know for a fact that the old man should not be alive.

 was awaiting with the other sages to bless our son first. He walked up to little Link and put his hands on his head. "Link the Second, son of the "Hero of Time" was born under a legend and will grow up in his father's image." "To help guide and protect him in his journey through life, we the six sages each bestow a gift upon thy little one." "I, Rauru the Light Sage, bestow the gift of courage upon thee." Rauru's hands begun to glow as he gave the gift of courage to our son.

Johnel: How?

       Completed, Saria the Forest Sage was next to bestow her gift. "I, Saria the Forest Sage, bestow the gift of friendship upon thee." Saria placed her hands on Link Jr's tiny head and bestowed her gift.

Johnel: Once again how?

       Next was Daurina. "I, Daurina the Fire Sage, bestow the gift of power upon thy brother." With his big Goron hands he gently placed them on the tiny baby's head and shared his gift with him.

  Then reluctantly Ruto walked over to our son to bestow her gift. "I, Ruto the Water Sage, bestow the gift of love upon thee." She placed her gentle fish like hands in our son's forehead and gave him her gift.

Ganondorf: Kick those two and steal the child you useless fish!

Johnel: Why do you want her to steal it?

Ganondorf: If the boy is raised by Zora’s he will less feel a need to fight against me.

        Next was Impa. "I, Impa the Shadow Sage, bestow the gift of wisdom upon thee." Then the Sheika gave our son another beautiful gift.

And last was Nabooru the Gerudo. She walked over to the cradle where our son was lying. She peered into the cradle and smiled at the little infant. "You truly look like your father." She said as she placed her hands on his small head. "I, Nabooru the Spirit Sage bestow the gift of compassion upon thee." Then the final gift was given.

Ganondorf: Yes truly she is the one to gift someone with compassion.

         Next Princess Zelda came to bestow her personal gift. She gently placed her hands on our baby's head and gave him the most special gift "I Princess Zelda, bestow the most important gift of all, the gift of knowledge."

Ganondorf: That is the same concept as wisdom.

Johnel: I'll say it one more time...

 I watched as her gentle hands begun to glow. Then an aura of white light surrounded the tiny baby as the gift of knowledge was given. Once completed the white aura faded and Rauru spoke once more. "With these gifts, Link the Second shall be guided through the valley of life." "He is truly one special child, a child of destiny." I held Link tight as I watched our little son get his final blessing. A tear of happiness ran down my cheek as I thought of what beautiful gifts were given to our special little son. Our son was truly a descendant of my "Hero of Time."

Ganondorf: I have theory.


Ganondorf: Yes and stop that. I believe that the sages, to be hated they are, have given these gifts for they had knowledge to know once this “Jenna” becomes queen she will be a worse dictator than I could ever be. As such he will be given the gifts to fight back forming a rebellion to free Hyrule and overthrow his corrupted parents. Also due to the resources wasted fighting a rebellion and a most likely weakened hero I will revive destroy them all and take my rightful place as ruler of Hyrule.

         After the blessing was complete our final place for Link Jr to receive a gift was from the Great Deku

Johnel: Oh yeah I forgot about that.

Tree. After some final words Link and I took our son and headed for Kokiri Forest. Saria came with us. Once we arrived at the Great Deku Tree he awoke from his slumber. "Ah Link and Jenna, I have been expecting thee." "Come and sit." As we sat down in the grass as little Link giggled and reached for a butterfly that fluttered near his head. "I see thou have had thy first born." "As promised I give thee a special gift." I watched as a small glowing light flew over to us. Then I noticed it was a fairy.

Gaondorf: They already have two what is so special about this one.

 "A fairy for our son, this is truly the best gift of all."

Johnel: Well I’d take immunity to impalement or a badass cut through anything katana myself.

I thought to myself. As the small blue fairy flew around our son, he giggled and tried to reached for her. "Hello." "My name is Aria."


"Nice to meet you." The fairy said as she fluttered in a circle around our little son. I smiled as the young fairy played with Link Jr. Then as I looked into Link's eyes, he saw a tear run down my face as I smiled. "Our son truly is very special." " He's our little miracle." I laid my head on Link's shoulder as he stroked my right arm. Our son was very special indeed, he was the son of a legend.

Ganondorf: Well I’m an annoyed King of Evil. I hope this is the last of it I have to see today.

Johnel: But wait there…. *A loud explosion sounds*

Lea:*Teleports in* Hey some of those clones Ienzo was working on escaped you might want to see this there causing all sorts of chaos. *Teleports out*

Johnel: I mean someone else will be handling riffing duties next part. *Leaves*

Ganondorf: How fortunate. *Leaves*

No comments: