Monday, January 28, 2013

A Nightmare on Hyrule Field Part 11: Four Girls One Fanfic

Cabbagelass: Hello Ladies and Gentlemen. Johnel's currently dealing with a situation with mad scientist clones and butterfly effects and other such nonsense. Let me preface this by saying I love every Zelda game I've played and the fact that this fic exists irks me to no end. That said, we will begin this fic when my guest star arrives momentarily.


Lea:*Teleports in depositing a green haired girl into an empty seat* Here the weirdo said to drop this thing off. *Teleports out*

 Cabbagelass: Oh Hai Saria.

Saria: Wow, what is this place?

Cabbagelass: Well, this is where decent writers go to feel better about themselves, and you're here to help keep me from setting myself on fire. You ready?

Saria: uh, o-ok . . .

Down the Road
As winter arrived early (earlier then normal)


the cold winds became too much for the crops to handle. I had to go harvest what we had before the snow started to fall.

Saria: Isn't that the entire point of growing crops? I mean we didn't have to do it much in the forest but we at least know that winter means less growing things.

Since we had a storage room bellow the house, Link and I harvested what crops we had and stored them in the food cellar. Then we moved all of the animals into the barn to keep them from getting sick. After the preparations were made, we waited for the winter snow.

Cabbagelass: I'm not sure this is a Zelda fic anymore, it's starting to sound more like a harvest moon walkthrough.

Saria: Who is this lady anyways . . . Oh wait, it's that redheaded ranch girl Link used to tell me about, Malon, right?

Cabbagelass: Unfortunately this is Jenna. You don't know her but basically she's tricked everyone in the kingdom, including the somehow reanimated king, into giving her stuff she doesn't deserve and loving her unconditionally.


Cabbagelass: and that's only the beginning.

A few days later the snow begun to fall. It got real cold in the house so I had to stay by the fire with our son. Link Jr

Saria: . . . Link . . .Jr . . .

Cabbagelass: you ok?

Saria: No, no I'm not. The Link I know wouldn't be selfish and concieted enough to name his own child in honor of himself and thus compound said heir's pressure to live up to his father's overly impressive legacy! The Link I know is humble and considerate of his loved ones! This is really over the top for me!

Cabbagelass: Well, at least he isn't vying for the throne obsessively like his wife is.


was now four months old. And getting cuter with each passing day.

 cute being a relative term here . . .

He was now crawling, and when he gets on the floor he crawls everywhere. I was starting to teach our son at his early age. While Link went to the castle to work with his men


Saria: *giggling* Those guys were almost naked!

I stayed home to teach and care for our son.

Cabbagelass: So basically you became a 1950's era housewife. I would be offended by this, except I'm almost certain you wouldn't be good at anything else.

Even though I provided most of the teaching, Link did his part as well. I watched when there were a many a day when Link would stay home just to be with our son. I knew how much our son meant to him. Next to me Link Jr was his pride and joy. Since the snow was bad this year, I stayed by the fire most of the day,

Saria: You said that already . . .

each day I would read to him. I wanted him to grow up smart at an early age. Link and I agreed that with each child we had we would start teaching them as soon as possible.

Cabbagelass: Not that there's a lot of wisdom for you to pass on.

One night I was sitting by the fire with Link and our son teaching him to read.

your son is for months old. Most children that age can't even recognize their own names by then.

Link had a children's book that taught kids how to count. As Link pointed to the pictures that showed how to add our son did something amazing. "See my son, if you take two apples and add them to the one you already have." "You get three apples."

Saria: And everything the apples touch belong to you my son.

Cabbagelass: I didn't know you had Disney films in Hyrule.

Saria: He has to show us something if we all finish our vegetables!

Link said as he pointed to the pictures. "See, one plus two is three." Link smiled as our son pointed to the pictures. Then the next thing he did was shocking. "So my son what do you get when you add one and two?" "Three." Link answered. Just then our son pointed to the single apple, then to the two apples then he held up three fingers before looking at his father and giggling.

Both Girls: . . . HOW DO YOU EVEN?!?!?!

A shocked look crossed my face as I exchanged glances with my husband. "Oh my....Did you see that honey?" "He added one plus two and answered three!" My eyes seemed to glow as I looked at Link. The same shock showed on his face. "He is going to grow up to be one smart kid, Link my love."


Cabbagelass: Forget smart, your kid is possessed by a math demon! This is not possible!

"So far we've done a good job with him." I watched as a smile crossed Link's face. "Yes we have my darling, I know he will be the smartest kid in Hyrule" Link responded. He then leaned over and kissed me.

Saria: Eeeeeeewwwwwww.

Cabbagelass: What, still think boys have cooties?

Saria: I'm more worried Link will catch it from HER.

"I love you my wife." I watched as our son pointed to the pictures in the book before I cuddled into Link's arms. We sat for awhile before I went to put our son to bed. "It's time for bed sweetie." I said as Link leaned over and kissed our son on the head before I took him upstairs. Right before I ascended the stairs, I took little Link's hand and gently waved it at his father. "Say good night to daddy."

Cabbagelass: I thought your son was supposed to be a genius?

Then he giggled as I walked up the stairs.
After I put him in his cradle and waited for him to go to sleep, I went back down stairs and spent the rest of the night with Link by the fire. "He is a sleep." I said as I snuggled into Link's arms.

Saria: this is starting to get really nausiating.

Cabbagelass: Believe me, I'm starting to worry that Johnel didn't cut out some future scenes.

I laid there, against Link's chest watching the crackling of the fire. While he massaged my body I let my thoughts drift. As Link massaged me it felt soo good. His hands moved across my body as if they were gliding.

Cabbagelass: Uh Saria . . .

Saria: Yeah.

Cabbagelass: I'm gonna be honest with you: some really gross stuff is about to go down. You're gonna wanna leave the room soon.

Saria: Are they gonna kiss some more?

Cabbagelass: Worse, much worse. This stuff'll mess you up. *hands her 20 dollars* Just go to the snack bar and get whatever you want. I'll call you back in when it's over.

Saria: Yay! *leaves*.

His grip was firm but good against my sore muscles. I had spent that entire day cleaning.

So I welcomed the gentle grip of his big broad hands.

 it's only funny because the rules don't apply to me!

My thoughts drifted away and the void opened up around me.

*The door to the Theatre opens and in wanders Malon and Ruto*

Ruto: What in Hyrule is this place?

Malon: And why's it smell like popcorn and wet cat?

Cabbagelass: Hey girls. Saria's out getting snacks so find a seat before things get dark and nasty.

Ruto: Oh my goodness, did we stumble upon an opera?!

Cabbagelass: Nope, sorry. It's not even daytime television quality.

Then I begun to hear Link's voice inside my mind, his thoughts, his passions.

Ruto and Malon:
Link's . . . Passions . . ? *Both girls cross their legs and giggle*

Cabbagelass: it's not what you think.

The connection between us became full. I let my thoughts drift into his mind. Told him how I felt, told him how much I loved him. As the sound of the fire crackling ringed through my ears, Link filled into my soul.


We began to feel each other, feel each other inside. I rolled over and looked into Link's deep blue eyes, and I saw the desire burning in them.

Malon: Look, this is very flattering, but they didn't capture my style of speaking or thought at all in this work.

Ruto: *Scoffs* Well of course it wouldn't! Clearly this work of passion is in honor of the Starcrossed betrothal of the Hero of Time and one Princess of the Zora Kingdom.

Cabbagelass: Uh Guys, it's not-

Malon: Please, I think she'd mention some scales or some other fishiness by now if Link was shacking up with you, your Highness.

Cabbagelass: Well that's half-

Ruto: Well I Never! Typical of you Hylian peasants to trivialize our race as mere fish people!

Malon: You looking for a fight, lady?


Both: oh . . .

For a moment, his eyes seemed to glow against the red glow of the fire, and I was mesmerized by them. Then I leaned forward, pressed my lips against his and kissed him deeply.

Malon: So how does Link know this girl?

Cabbagelass: Technically he didn't in your universe. Here they just kind of fall in together after a Spring Festival. Their courtship lasted under a month

Ruto: Well that hardly sounds romantic!


As we kissed I got lost in time, lost in his kiss, and my body got lost to his touch. I felt the hot desire growing between us, our passions growing stronger.

Ruto: How long is this scene?

Cabbagelass: Knowing this fic, we could be here into menopause.

All three Ladies: *Long, drawn-out Groan*

Then I let myself get taken away, as I slowly laid down and opened myself to him. I eagerly started to remove his clothes so his awaiting manhood would be restricted no more. First his belt, his tunic,

Malon: You sure you can't skip past this, even a little?

Cabbagelass: Trust me; this “awaiting manhood” stuff is probably more painful for me to hear than it is to you. I-Jesus- almost threw up in my mouth a bit…

then I undid the lace that held his white undergarment together and pulled it off exposing his heavenly naked body.


Malon: What? Never been with a guy before?

Cabbagelass: Just like you’ve never slept with your father…

Then I threw my arms around him and pulled him down on top of me. I whispered in his ear that I wanted him to take me. That I wanted him to fill me up with his love.

Ruto: Not even I would say something this ham-fisted and sexist!

I listened to the crackling of the fire as Link caressed my naked body with his hands and lips. We both let ourselves get lost in time, lost to each other's touch.

Cabbagelass: *shocked face* It just occurred to me, who's watching the baby?


Only the sound of our two hearts beating together was heard. As we moved against each other the red glow of the fire reflected against our skin. Its warmth gave us comfort as we made love. Long into the night we fulfilled each other's desires, each other's fantasies.

Malon: Leaving the baby to shit itself repeatedly and cry for hours without relief.

Cabbagelass: this prolonged crying, in turn, gave Link Jr. permanent brain damage, which even the double gifts of wisdom and intelligence could not counteract.


Cab and Malon: tell us we're wrong!

I let myself slip into time, and get taken away on the wings of love. The love that came to me from the heavens. When I was with Link I was in heaven.

Ruto: and we were in a senseless purgatory.

Cabbagelass: Oh thank God it's over! *shouting* Saria, you can come back in!

Saria: *Enters carrying a ton of candy and a large bucket of popcorn* the kitty ladies gave me some free candy for being polite- oh, hi Princess Ruto and Malon.

Ruto and Malon: There's a little girl here?!

Cabbagelass: I made her walk out, didn't I? anyways, let's get on with this . . .

The winter snow became worse a few days later. One day we had a snowstorm so we had to stay inside by the fire to keep warm. This was the worst winter Hyrule had seen in twenty years.

Malon: I don't know, the winter two years ago was pretty harsh. Frost lasted halfway into spring! We almost had to sell the farm.

Saria: yeah and the nights were three times longer than the days! It was really scary.

Ruto: yes, yes, and the majority of my race froze in place!

I worried that the cold would get to our son. I did not want him to get sick, so for the next few days Link and I slept by the fire with our son to keep him warm.

Cabbagelass: Yeah, 'cause fuck everyone else in Hyrule who could be freezing or starving this winter, all that matters is keeping the crotch dumpling toasty!

Saria: what's a cro-?

The other three: Don't ask questions.

I hoped it would all end quickly since our anniversary was only a week away. I wanted to get him something special, but if the snow did not stop soon I would not be able to get to the Market to get him a gift.

Ruto: O, boo hoo, the snow's too thick to ride in! You know we Zora have to crush the ice by hand every day in the winter, right?!

Last fall after we got married the winter was a calm and mild one. There was hardly any snow and a mild cold.

Cabbagelass: Nobody cares about the intensity of your diseases!

The autumn last year was even warm. But for some reason this year the snows came early and heavy. I even got concerned about the Zora and Goron races since each was not very adaptable to the extreme cold.

Cabbagelass: that's odd, she's showing some empathy for once . . .

Ruto: and at the same time calling my race and the Gorons weak!

Saria: talk about a back-handed comment.

Link and I worried that those races would have survival problems. Since the Zoras were an aquatic people, the water where they live remains warm. And if their water gets too cold, they might freeze to death. The Gorons live high up on Death Mountain, but they need warm climates to live in. If the cold gets too extreme, they might not survive.

Malon: Bull.

Ruto: Malon! easier language please!

Malon: I'm sorry, but Gorons can live in snowy places too! Link said as much after he . . . *blushes awkwardly* that's a story for another time . . .

We especially worried about Princess Ruto. She was the kind to go out, and spend the day finding ways to improve Hyrule's water source or Zora's Domain itself.

Ruto: Does she not know that that is a legitamite Royal Duty of the Zora . . .

Saria: *snickers* duty . . .

Usually being cooped up was not her style, and she seems to get wiry if she remains in one place for to long.


Cabbagelass: here it comes . . .

We though she might try to go outside to get away from being cooped up all day long. She never listens to her father, always sneaking around.

Ruto: Let me get this straight . . . She pretty much explains that I care about my people and about Hyrule's water needs but still attributes my attention to ROYAL DUTIES to teenaged rebellion?!

So we thought she might try and sneak out, and that could be bad news.
With that in mind, we decided that we should keep an eye out on her.

Ruto: *foaming slightly* no, Goddesses be damned no! This sort of mollycoddling was fine when I was a child, but as a grown woman and a sage AND A FUCKING QUEEN this nonsense comes to an end *Grabs a box of Raisenets and chucks it at the screen, only for it to bounce back harmlessly*

Malon: Welp, you tried . . .

Saria: . . . my raisins . . . .

One day in particular, it got extremely cold. It was the coldest Hyrule had gotten in twenty years.

Cabbagelass: Better page the Department of Redundancy Department’s paging system on that one . . .

Link and I were sitting in front of the fire with our son. We had wrapped ourselves with heavy wool blankets and huddled together to stay warm. The house had gotten cold, so cold that even Lilly, Navi and Aria had to go to the little huts that we built upstairs for them to sleep in,


Malon: is that a problem?


Cabbagelass: You're all gonna rage today, aren't you?

so their wings would not get numb, preventing them from flying. While Link and I were huddled together under the blankets, a knock came at the door

Saria And Malon: ASPCA and Magical Creature's Protection, we have a warrant for your arrest on charges of cruelty and neglect.

Since it was snowing and the cold was so intense, we thought that someone would be crazy to venture outside in that terrible weather. Link and I exchanged worried glances. "Who could that be out in this awful weather?" I said as I gave Link a worried look. "I'll go see who it is." Link said as he got up dragging the heavy blanket behind him. I got up, wrapped my blanket around me, wrapped one around our son, then followed Link to the door.

Cabbagelass: Leaving the baby near the fire where it can easily burn to death with the wrong move.


Undoing the latches, Link slowly opened the door. What we saw on the other side shocked us. There in the doorway stood the figure of a female Zora. Princess Ruto, wrapped in a heavy deep blue cloak, stood there ankle deep in the snow half frozen.

Ruto: *cracks knuckles* this is where we get serious.

"Oh my god,

Malon: Which one?

Cabbagelass: The one the writer keeps forgetting no one in Hyrule worships, that’s which one.

what are you doing out in this ungodly weather?!" I said with pure shock in my voice. Dazed, she looked at us then staggered to the door. Link reached out and grabbed Ruto by the arm and pulled her inside. Removing the cloak,

Cabbagelass: Hey now, that's my job!

The OoT Girls:

Cabbagelass: . . . you didn't hear that.

I led Ruto to sit by the fire. With haste I grabbed a heavy wool blanket and wrapped it around the half frozen Zora.
Then I went into the kitchen and made a cup of hot coco

Ruto: Wait, she cooked me a bird?!

Cabbagelass: No it’s a drink that- look, from now on when she says something out of place just assume she failed at understanding how your world works.

to give to her. After I handed her the cup, Link and I looked at her with unblinking eyes,

Cabbagelass: that sounds very disturbing . . . .

"So tell me again why you were out in that awful storm." I said with doubt in my voice. The adult Zora

Saria: Which you wouldn’t think from the way they talk to her.


looked from me to Link, then answered in a muffled tone. "I was out examining ways to improve water flow from Lake Hylia, when the storm broke catching me in it." Reading over her statement again in my mind, it didn't make much sense.

Ruto: What’s there to not understand?! It’s winter, the lake is starting to freeze over, an improved river flow could mean the difference between live and death this time of year!

There had to be more to the story then what she was telling us. I looked at her squarely, as she looked down into her cup. "C'mon Ruto, there has to be a real reason why you were out there." "I just find it hard to believe that you were actually out there to check on the water source. "

Malon: Like Hell you don’t. I hope you die of dysentery lady!

Ruto:W-why thank you . . .

Malon: Don’t worry about it . . .

"Tell me the real reason. " Ruto looked back up at me, then her face faltered.
"Well…..I…..ummm….I can't really say why. "


Link and I exchanged looks then we looked back to Ruto. "Ruto you cannot really expect us to believe that you cannot explain why you were really out there." A glint of anger appeared in Link's jeweled eyes as he spoke.


Cabbagelass: We get it, the author messed up, let’s move along before I go deaf.

When she saw that Link was getting impatient, she finally decided to tell us the real reason why she was out in the storm. "Well…..I was in Zora's Domain and I was starting to feel cooped up


so I decided to go to lake Hylia for a swim." "As I came near the Water Temple, I decided to check inside to make sure everything was ok."

Cabbagelass: as sages are wont to do.

Saria and Ruto: At least you get it!

"As I wandered the corridors, I saw what seemed like a shadow that moved. " "I walked further down the corridor I was in, until something knocked me down. "


Malon: that’s awful catchy for the situation, isn’t it?

Cabbagelass: Meh, it fits.

"When I turned and looked up, I saw a shadowy figure looming over me that looked remarkably like Link." "Its red eyes, pierced me like daggers, and as I looked at the figure, I could tell it was evil."


"I barely got out alive." "That thing….almost had me." "When I got outside, the storm broke." "Being a Zora, I knew I wasn't going to last long out in the cold, and Zora's Domain was too far away, so that's why I came here."

Malon: Speaking of which, where are they living?

Cabbagelass: Would you believe me if I said the Lost Woods?

All Three Hylian Girls: 


Ruto:As the carp swims, that is clearly not a logical destination point after a run-in with the Water Temple

Saria: not to mention the Lost Woods is a treacherous, cursed place where one should not stay for an extended period of time, let alone build a house and raise a child there!

Ruto said in a scratchy voice, her hand shaking the cup she held. I looked at her with unblinking eyes and all I could think about was what Ruto had said.

Cabbagelass: Oh my Goddesses she’s thinking!

Malon: Alert the media! This is frontline news!

"A shadowy figure that looked like Link?" I thought to myself. I glanced over at Link, who looked white as a sheet. "Link my love whats wrong?!" Link turned to face me, his voice raspy from shock. "Oh my Goddesses…..I thought he was dead!" "How can he still be alive!" "I destroyed him myself!"

Cabbagelass: y’know when you put it like that Link it makes you sound like a stone-cold murderer . . .

"Who Link……what are you talking about?!" I watched as Link's eyes lowered. "When I was in the Water Temple, about halfway through it, I entered this strange room." "The room was strange,


Malon: This lady’s got the memory of a cuccoo!

like it was straight out of a bad dream." "As I continued to explore the room, I felt a strange presence." "As I walked towards the lone tree in the center of the room, a shadowy figure turned from behind it." "When I got close enough, I could tell that the figure looked like…….me." Link's eyes faltered as he remembered that day when he met his mirror self.

Cabbagelass: Wait, you two are psychically linked, no pun intended. How is it that you’re only now hearing about this story?!

Malon: wait, how’d they manage that kind of magic?

Cabbagelass: trust me, you don’t want to know….

"Oh Goddesses, you're kidding right?" I said with pure shock in my voice. "No, he's telling the truth." Ruto added. "I saw it with my own eyes when I was in there last." I could not believe what I was hearing. All I could think about was that there was another that looked like Link.

Cabbagelass: Not another love triangle!


Was this other, evil, was he good, or was he Link's twin that he does not know about?

Saria: Are you a dope?!

Malon: Link and Ruto pretty much explained this guy’s an evil doppelganger! Where are you getting this long-lost twin nonsense from?!

These questions raced threw my mind as the thought of this mirror image with the face of my husband was possibly running around.

Ruto: Possibly? What does she mean by possibly running through her mind? Either it is or isn’t!

Cabbagelass: She’s too dumb to keep track of that kind of thing.

"Link my love tell me what happened." I looked directly into Link's eternal blue eyes as a look of pure depression shone in his face.

Ruto and Malon: Depression hurts, Cymbalta can help.

"When I tried to fight the mirror image, I could not land a mark on him." "It seemed that he was anticipating my every move." "It was a long and grueling fight, one I almost did not win." "Oh my Goddesses…Link you never told me about that!"

Cabbagelass: He doesn’t have to you’re psychically linked!

I walked over and embraced the now shivering Link. "It was terrible, I will never forget those blood red eyes." "And now with possibility that he is still running around, makes me even more nervous." I could tell now that Link was upset.


Even with all the stories that Link had told me, he never told me about his encounter inside the Water Temple. "I must go to the Water Temple and check it out." "If I don't, I will never be able to rest."

Cabbagelass: Yeah, you need that piece of mind considering this is a pretty clear sign that GANONDORF HAS RETURNED!

Link said as he got up and buckled on the Master Sword over his back.
Then he put on his deep green cloak as he prepared to venture outside. "Link my love you cannot venture out in that dangerous storm."

Saria and Ruto: C’mon, he’s been through way worse than a minor snowstorm.

I said as I grabbed his arm. "Jenna my dear wife, I must go." "If that mirror image of me is still on the loose, that could mean serious trouble." Link's jeweled blue eyes pierced me deep into my soul. As I stared into them, I begun to understand that he had to go find out if the evil in the shape of his image was still inside the Water Temple.

Malon: This chick’s slower than a frozen sap pipe!

I wondered how Gannondorf could create such an atrocity. "Well I understand that you must go to the Temple and see if it is true that this copy is wandering its corridors, but you are not going without me."


I said as I grabbed my deep blue cloak and put it on, lifting the hood over my head. "Jenna my love, you cannot come." "Its too dangerous and some one needs to stay here and care for our son."

Saria: a son who can count, read, understand English and is already in mortal jeopardy from your decision of living in a cursed forest!

Link said as he lifted my head up until our eyes met. Pushing his hand away a hint of irritation appeared in my voice. "First off, I cannot just let you venture out in that storm alone, second Ruto as well as Lilly and Navi are here so they can care for our son while we're away."


Malon: here we go…

Ruto: I AM A SOVEREIGN RULER WITHIN THE LAND OF HYRULE, NOT SOME LOWLY BABYSITTERYOU CAN DISPOSE OF ON YOUR COMMON CHILD! Even if this variation of Link had half the charm and grace of the original the conflict of interests would turn me away!

"Ruto is still not able to go back to Zora's Domain yet so she should stay here anyway." I said as I headed towards the door. Link grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Jenna my love, you do not understand."

Saria: -Anything.

"I don't want to loose you, the Temple is dangerous and so is my mirror self."

Ruto: please, at worst our temple is tedious…

Link looked at me with concern in his eyes. And all I could think about was that I didn't want to loose him either. "I'm still going, I don't want to loose either."

Cabbagelass: Urge to commit grammar-based genocide rising…

"I love you, and I want to protect you." "Who knows what this mirror self might be planning." I said as I threw my arms around Link. "Sigh"

Malon: Si- there’s no way he actually said “sigh” like some low-grade comedian!

Cabbagelass: Remember who’s writing this

"That is one of the reasons why I married you my dear Jenna." Link said as he pressed his lips on mine.

Saria: Gross, can I leave again?


The Encounter
Grabbling my bow and my (9)Phoenix circles

Ruto:why 9?

Cabbagelass: Because the author is stupid and has made the mistake of assuming we are stupid by adding an unnecessary and redundant index to this fanfic.

and Link equipped with the Master Sword, I kissed little Link, said a few words to Ruto

Ruto: and I said a few back… which I will not repeat in the presence of a small child.

then Link and I headed for Lake Hylia and the Water Temple. We went to the stable to grab our horses, since Epona was carrying,

Malon: Carrying what? Apples? A cartful of orphans?

Cabbagelass: A Foal. She’s going to be doing that for the rest of her life while Link rides a stallion the apparently not-dead king gave him.


I saddled Star Dancer and Link saddled Midnight Star

Malon: So let me get this straight: Link decided that the most loyal, swift, strong and brave animal in all of Hyrule should be locked in a pen, spitting out foals while he rides some ‘roided up show-colt with the frilliest name I’ve ever heard that probably can’t jump over those fancy waist-high walls scattered around Hyrule, let alone the boundaries my horse can clear!

. Mounting our horses, we left the sanctuary of our house, and made our way through the blinding snow. The storm had kicked up again.

Cabbagelass: We had to take refuge inside the horses entrails to survive.


too far…

Cabbagelass: Sorry…

It was very cold
and the snow knee deep. The wind whipped our cloaks around as we pushed onward. Visibility was next to nothing, I could barely see Link in front of me.

Saria: All the easier for her to fall into an underground chasm *evil smile*

"Jenna are you ok?!" Link yelled over the howling wind. "So far I'm ok, but I can barely see anything in front of me!" I yelled back. "Just follow the sound of my voice

Ruto: Good Goddesses that’s cliché!

Cabbagelass: it can only get worse from here…

my love, I will help guide you!" Listing

Malon: Bread, milk, eggs, milk, cheese, milk, ect…

to Link's voice, I was able to follow him. We kept a steady pace, pushing through the deep wet snow.


Malon: that’s a bit concerning…

Cabbagelass: oh relax, I’ve already got a girlfriend…

All three girls:

Cabbagelass: Deal with it.

I wrapped my now damp cloak around me trying to stay warm. After some time we finally came to the fences leading to Lake Hylia.

Ruto: Interesting Sidenote, back before the Great War ended Zora guards were instructed to attack any intruders on the spot with a killing intent.

Cabbagelass: Truly these are the Dark ages….

By this time the storm had died down some so visibility was much better. Link made Midnight Star come to a complete stop, causing snow to kick up behind the stallion's powerful hooves.


Cabbagelass: Ohhhh kay, Malon, everyone. Tone it down, we’ve got six pages left…

Pulling back on the reins Star Dancer came to a complete stop just a few feet behind Link. "Why did we stop?" I questioned. "We need to jump these fences, but with the snow as deep as it is I know that Midnight Star can make the jump

Malon: Fifty Rupees says the colt shies and bucks Link into the snow.

Cabbagelass: This isn’t a horse show Malon; Link already chose the inferior horse and there’s nothing we can do about it.


Saria: Hey, that’s the no-no finger!

but, do you think your mare can handle the jump?"

Ruto: this random sexism is getting really grating…

Malon; I know, it makes me want to go on a Femnist revolution!


Cabbagelass: and this was written by a woman…

Looking down at my mare, I patted her on the head and stroked her mane. "I have full confidence in her Link, she can make the jump." "Then lets go!" Link yelled.
Backing up his horse, Link prepared for the jump. When he had enough distance, he booted the horse in the legs

Malon: What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

Cabbagelass: Yeah, this woman doesn’t really get horse anatomy or how to-


Cabbagelass: please, I’m prone to tinnitus…

and ran towards the fences guarding the lake. With a kicking up of snow, the black stallion flew gracefully over the fences, leaving a trail of mist behind him.

Malon: And then shattering his leg, crushing this not-Link under his morbidly obese frame!

Ruto: we might want to find her some tranquilizers…

Bringing the horse to a stop on the other side of the fences he looked at me. "Now you make the jump." Nodding, I backed up my mare and prepared for the jump. When I had enough distance between the fences and I, I booted my horse in the legs


and bolted towards the fences. Just before I reached the fences, a cloud of snow kicked up behind my horse's powerful hooves as she made the rough jump over the fences.

Saria: This is like a long bedtime story, except I really, really want it to end soon.

Cabbagelass: we all do…

Link then took off in front of me and called for me to follow. I watched as the lake slowly became visible. When we reached the bank of Lake Hylia, we were shocked at what we saw. Pulling our horses to a complete stop I exchanged glances with Link. "The lake is frozen over!"


Cabbagelass: Can we stop with the yelling soon?!

"How are we supposed to get inside now?" I said as we dismounted. Pulling out his bow, Link nocked an arrow of fire and shot it at the lake. Steam rose up as the fire melted the ice beneath its fiery rage.

Cabbagelass: We have enough fiery rage here, thank you…

"Well well, Link your full of surprises." I said with envoy.

Celestial Envoy?

Link smiled, then nocked a few more arrows and shot them one by one into the ice, creating a hole in the ice. "Now we can get inside." Link inquired. "Wait a second Link, isn't the door to the Temple under the water?"

Ruto: No, you idiot it’s in the sky…

Link nodded. "How do you suppose we are going to get in there?"

Everyone: *facepalms all around*

Walking back over to his horse, Link reached into his saddlebags and pulled something out of it. Turning back to me he threw a blue looking tunic at me. "Put that on."

Ruto: Well that’s Generous of Link, giving her the only Zora Tunic in existence…

"That's the Zora tunic, it allows its wearer to breath under the water." I looked down at the tunic in my hands, wondering if it would really work. "Are you sure its going to fit me?"

Malon: it’s not gonna make you look fat!

Looking back at me his eyes seemed to glow. "Don't worry my love it will." Looking back down at it one more time, I took it and slipped it on over my dress. Then I walked over to Link just as he finished putting his on.


Cabbagelass: because of course!

"Now the entrance is at the bottom." "The only way to get down there is with the Iron Boots." "Iron what?" I asked with curiosity in my voice. "The Iron Boots are boots made of Iron


to help the wearer to be heavy enough to walk on lake bottoms. "Oh that's amazing, you never cease to surprise me Link my love."

Saria: C’mon, the iron boots are easily the least-impressive aspect of Link. What about his intelligence, his loyalty or his kindness.

Cabbagelass: I’m not surprised the shoes are the things she’s most enamored with, materialist twit…

I said with a little giggle. "Now since there is only one pair, you'll have to hang onto me or you will just float back to the surface."

Ruto: there’s only one Zora Tunic as well…

Nodding, I watched as Link equipped the Iron Boots. When he was ready, I grabbed onto his arm as we made our way into the lake. The boots made a loud clopping

Cabbagelass: Now every Brony reading this is laughing uncontrollably.

Malon: … brony?

Cabbagelass: I’ll have to introduce you to some later…

sound as we descended to the lake's bottom. Walking on the bottom of the lake made me feel a little uneasy, but I had confidence in my husband's abilities.

Saria: Yeah, make Link do all the work, that’s great…

When we reached the Temple's gate, I looked up at the blood red jewel sitting above the entrance. A slight shiver went down my spine as I stared at the ghoulish looking thing.


Hugging onto Link, we descended into the Temple. As we walked further into the eerie Temple, a wash of uneasiness ran over me. "Where do we go from here?"


I said as I held onto Link tightly. "I'm not sure, but my best guess is that we should head for that strange room."

Malon: Which will take them a minimum of three weeks.

As we descended deeper into the Water Temple, I started to feel as if someone was watching us. "Link do you feel as if we are being watched?"


Saria: What’s Maus-ter-bah-tay?

Malon: Ask the Deku tree…

"Yeah I feel it, I also feel a presence as well." "He's here I can feel it." Feeling my cat like instincts kick in,

Ruto: … Her what, now?!

Cabbagelass: Oh yeah, forgot to mention that she has these ill-explained cat instincts despite being relatively humanoind..


I raised my head up and sniffed the air. "You're right, I smell something fowl."

Malon: Cuccoo or loftwing?

"He's close." I said lowering my head. "Closer then you think." A sneering voice called from within the Temple.

Cabbagelass: Wait, since when can Dark Link talk?!

I jumped at the sound of the eerie voice echoing threw the corridors. "Come out and show yourself, I know you're here!"

Saria: That’s just asking for an ambush!

Link yelled as he unfastened his sword in its sheath. "Ha ha so…the "Hero of Time" has returned to challenge me." The sneering voice called again. "Your more of a fool then I thought."


I begun to shake as the sneering voice continued to vibrate threw the Temple's corridors. "FOOL!?" "You're the fool!"

Cabbagelass: Your Mom’s a fool!

"Why won't you show yourself?!" Link screamed as he unsheathed the Master Sword. Just then we heard a shuffling sound behind us.


Then the next thing I knew, I was struck from behind and then all went black.

Cabbagelass: And on that Positive Note, let’s end this all-girl riff.

Malon: Sounds good to me.

Ruto: Good riddance.

Saria: thanks for the free food miss.

*all three girls exit*

Cabbagelass: Alright… the place is soundproof and the seats are comfy enough for two people…third base, here I come!

*cabbagelass exits*

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