Friday, June 28, 2013

Confusions in Equestria Chapter 3: Where's a Targaryen When you Need One?

Cabbagelass: So, here we are back in the constipated nightmare that is Tristan's New life in Equestria.

Pinkie Pie: and this time I wrangled Dashie into the mix.

Rainbow Dash: You know Pinks, this isn't exactly what I had in mind when you said we were going to a movie together.

Anyways, here goes nothing...
I Woke up to a note that said that I won

Cabbagelass: Oh good, some literally tacked-on resolution to the thrilling-as-all-fuck ending of the last chapter.

so I took my bits and headed into the sky

Pinkie: Otherwise known as flying!

It was getting pretty late so I headed to Rainbows place

Rainbow: Get off my property you bum!
Pinkie: He lives with you in this story.

But on the way there I was so tired I diecided

Cabbagelass: Jesus, he STILL can't spell "decided" right?!
Pinkie Pie: it's almost as if he fell on his head recentl- Ooooooooooooh!

 it was too far away so I just slept on a cloud in the middle of the sky
Rainbow Dash: 


The next mourning I flew to Trixies house

Pinkie Pie: When did Trixie get a house  in Ponyville?

Cabbagelass: she always struck me as an apartment user at best.

 becuase she had told me that there was a spell she could cast to enhance my flying

Cabbagelass: More magic body-alts? Mary-Sues never take a break, do they?
Rainbow: Well he'd  need it if he's living with me.

I flew on over there, it took my a while becuase im still getting used to my wings... and hooves

Rainbow Dash: and the town layout, and the weather patterns, and you're own stupidity... really, it's a wonder he didn't fly into the town well like Derpy always does.

when I arrived Trixie greeted me at the door

"come in come in" she said

Pinkie Pie: I made cupcakes!
Rainbow Dash :

Pinkie Pie: Oh relax, that recipe I wrote was a prank!

"thanks" I said as I walked in
"have you found a place to live for a while?" Trixie asked

Cabbagelass: I thought you didn't care....

"yeah, im living at rainbowdashes house for a while"

Rainbow Dash: In my living room, I'm using him as a coffee table.

"cool man

Pinkie Pie: I Didn't know Trixie was a New-Age-Retro-Hippie...

- alright the spell that enhances your flying - will allow you to go fast enough to go through a moutain if you go in face first,

Rainbow Dash:  Yeah, only if you're ok with flattening your face against your flank!

however I must warn you, if you dont go fast enough, then that will hurt pretty bad to faceplant a mountain,
Cabbagelass: As opposed to going really fast and risking serious injury or death in THE MOST RETARDED STUNT I HAVE EVER HEARD OF?!
 alright are you ready?"


"yes!" I yelled
She shot a bolt of light at me, and I didnt feel different, but I felt in my mind that I could pass

Pinkie Pie: 

through a moutain now if I was to try

Cabbagelass: And if not, we know that Social Darwinism is still a thing, really nobody loses in this scenario.

"thanks as always trixie!" I yelled as I smashed through the window and flew away.

Rainbow: Worst. Guest. Ever!
Later that day I was insanly bored, so I met up with Nick and Riley
"what should we do?" said Nick

Pinkie Pie: Throw a party, duh?

Cabbagelass: I was gonna suggest trying to find a way back home, but whatever.

"well I have some news for you guys, Me and fluttershy have been talking-"

Cabbagelass: *as Riley* if another human finds it's way into Equestria, we will recruit it for a traveling circus, collect the royalties and become filthy rich!

[Awkward silence]

Cabbagelass: Screw blending in, I want all the bits!

I scream, "YOU ADOPTED A PUPPY? :D!"
Rainbow:... Are you sure this isn't Pinkie? he's acting a lot like Pinkie.
Pinkie Pie:

Rainbow: Except he's stupid a-and he can't plan parties... and he's not a pretty little filly that I love with all m-my heart?
Pinkie: That's better!

Riley smacks me in the face with his hoof, "No! were getting married!"


Rainbow Dash: To this guy's credit, Fluttershy's always been into fairytale stu- Pinks, what are you doing?
Pinkie: I knew this would happen! *hides rainbow and produces boombox*
"And tristan you have the most important job to me you are my-"

Rainbow: Food-taster. you are expendable.
"I knew it I get to be the usher! TY so much" then I ran off

Cabbagelass: When I was a character I used to rate character's based on their intelligence. Tristan rate's a half-Patrick or quite possibly a high Peter Griffin.
"well nick you get to be my best man then." said Riley

Cabbagelass: I mean, this is so random! what the Hell were they-
Pinkie: Woo, tapdance Partaay!

 Cabbagelass: Sorry guys, that's my boss calling. Take five!

[Cabbagelass walks to the back of the theatre to take said call. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash take advantage of the situation to cuddle and such]

Cabbagelass: Hey Johnel, what's- No, I haven't been watching the news, thank you very much, I'm too busy working on that piece of crap you sent- Hold on, What's so big about the Supreme Cou- They did WHAT?! Oh my God, you better not be kidding me man! I will KILL you if this is a prank. Uh-huh. No shit I'm excited! alright, bye. *beep* GUYS, SOMETHING AWESOME HAS HAPPENED!

[Cabbagelass has interrupted a light makeout session between the mares.]

Rainbow Dash: What?! are the Wonderbolts hiring?! Cabbagelass: Better then that: DOMA is Dead!

Pinkie Pie: ...What's a DOMA?

Cabbagelass: O-Oh right. Well, there used to be this crappy law that denied same-sex married couples federal benefits and a bunch of other crap. It was called the "Defense" of Marriage Act, and just yesterday politicians called hax on it's nonsense!

[Blank Stares]

Cabbagelass: Gay Marriage is now legally-recognized on a federal scale?
Cabbagelass: Why aren't you guys as amped as I am?!

 Rainbow Dash: *Giggles* Cabs, Mareiage has been been a legally-recognized process in Equestria for over a thousand years. you're not impressing anyone here.

 Cabbagelass: Oh....

Pinkie Pie: On the other hoof, all this talk about marriage and tapdance parties and DOMAs kinda makes me want to plan out my wedding party.

Rainbow Dash: Eh.. let's get back to the story. Now!
Well since the wedding isnt for 5 more hours then I guess I can just chill.
Rainbow: ... Ok, this is starting to get a bit excessive. five hours, I doubt even you could pull that off Pinkie.

I went to Rainbowdashes

Pinkie: I thought we sealed up that cloning mirror pool weeks ago!

Cabbagelass: Actually I expect my boss had a hand in this... although why I cannot say.


house to see if she was home, sure enough she was

Rainbow Dash: yeah, it's not like I have a job, or a marefriend, or a social life that keeps me busy day-to-day.

"hey rainbowdash" I said as I slowly walked in

Cabbagelass: oh it's a miracle, he didn't destroy somthing upon entry!
"hey Tristan, Come in" she said smiling
I walked in, Room coated in wonderbolt posters

Pinkie Pie: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Rainbow Dash: Awww, thanks Pinks.
We sat there just talking for a while when I said
"you wanna see somthing really Really cool?"

Rainbow: sure *pulls out a mirror* ahhh, yup. still awesome.
"sure!" she said.
we flew down to equestria

Cabbagelass: Which is the entire country and quite possibly continent. did this guy even try to research something?

and I found the biggest moutain I could, I just charged right at that thing, I could feel myself getting faster and faster,

Pinkie Pie:

Rainbow Dash:
Rainbowdash who looked terrified
Pinkie Pie: Rainbow Dash, terrified? pfff, like that'd happen!
Said, "Tristan are you crazy?! your going to kill yourself!"

Rainbow Dash: 
Ignoring that I kept going and suddenly I just passed through the moutain like it was paper

Cabbagelass: ok... but what was the point of that?

 and I flew back over the moutain she looked at me in shock
"that... that... that was incredible! How did you do that?!"

Rainbow Dash: yeah, really incredible, coming from the mare who can BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER!
trying to look modest I said, "it was nothing, Trixie did some magic on my wings that allows me to do that"

Cabbagelass: Technical as fuck!
She Looked terrified again, she squealed, "TRISTAN LOOK OUT!"

Pinkie Pie: *Suddenly annoyed* why does this author keep acting like my Rainbow's a big scardy cat?

Behind me was a 700 foot tall firebreathing, ponyeating, Dragon.
Cabbagelass: Oh good, Danyeris is here to burn and raze the human-pony slavers, free the enslaved Fluttershy, and claim back the iron throne

Pinkie Pie: Valor Maregulis!

Rainbow: ok, I can't be the only one out there confused by this...

I looked over at rainbowdash who was lying on the ground, hit from the dragon,

Rainbow Dash: Once again, I've been launched across Ponyville into a tree house  fought several different monsters INCLUDING a dragon, and personally defeated a giant robot. this guy does not give me enough credit...

  I flew up there and pulled out my axe,

 Cabbagelass and Rainbow: Your WHAT?!

 Pinkie: Oh relax Dashie, you know I'd do the same *nuzzles Dash*

 Cabbagelass: Awwwwwww... wait, this is still weird.

"Nobody, and I mean NOBODY treats my friends that way!" and I smacked him so hard in the head with my axe it auctully knocked me out of the sky,

Cabbagelass: Do you even laws of physics?

but that dragon was slain, but Man my Right wing hurt so bad!

Rainbow:...Why? Nothing described in this scenario would put particular strain on your right wing.

Pinkie: *giggles* so says Egghead Dashie.

Rainbow: *blushing* S-shut up...

From the pain I layed down, and fell into a sleep.

Cabbagelass: They should really consider renaming this fic Tristan's Adventures with Narcolepsy. 

I had a dream. In the dream discord had taken over,
 and exploded the elements of harmony
Rainbow and Cabbagelass: ...Say what now?
 and had turned celestia and luna into stone
Pinkie: The Word of the Day is: IRONY!

Riley and fluttershy stood ready to attack,
Cabbagelass: Ok, making Riley and Fluttershy a battle-couple is actually kind of cool.
Rainbow: True, but I always saw Fluttershy as more of a field medic in this situation.
Cabbagelass: And Riley as the live bait.
but me and nick stood alone, discord would easily be able to take over, 
me and nick had not found our loved ones yet,
Cabbagelass: Wait, what does that have to do with anything?
Rainbow Dash: Element of Love, remember?
Cabbagelass: Then go get Cadence and Shining Armor you twats!
Discord ran at me and turned me into stone!,
Pinkie Pie: ...Pretty sure that's not how turning to stone works.
Cabbagelass: Who cares? the fic is over, DOMA died, today is a good day.
Rainbow Dash:...That was actually not bad...
Cabbagelass: care to tackle the next one with me one-on-one?

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