Sunday, July 1, 2012

Don't Hold Me Closer Cloaked Dancer (Part 1)

Johnel: Hello for those of you tuning in this is the first fan fiction to be pulled from the pocket dimension and riffed on. Also fair warning this mature rated story so don’t get mad at me if it disturbs you. This is a little number is called Oblivion's Club for Young Gentlemen by a Mister Cream Pie and trust me it's a bad one.

Oblivion's club for young gentlemen, more commonly known as a whore house.

Johnel: Yes for when I think Kingdom Hearts I think whores. Also according to Word the above is a fragment so we are off to a great start with the grammatical quality of this fic.

A place where young gentlemen let out their sexual desires on the willing to give in return for money. Every young dancer had their own special talent and were all under the age of thirty. Some even appeared to be under the legal age.

Johnel: A whore house with under aged employees how quaint. Okay I’ll back off I highly doubt the author will use the actual under aged cast in their stupid fan fiction.

 The owner of the business was a man named Xemnas, the young dancers called him 'Superior' or 'Big daddy'. The names resulted from his last year's birthday party when Demyx had given him a strip tease and called him daddy.

Johnel: Okay I know we all make jokes and call Xemnas by the name Mansex but this is going too far. Also I don’t want to think about Demyx giving anyone a strip tease ever.

Demyx, as well as most dancers at the club had had hard lives, thus leading to them working in the club.

Johnel: Why do I feel this won’t be elaborated on whatsoever?

The club was very large, almost as big as a mansion. It had several floors and rooms where the men paid for their dancers for the night. The most beautiful dancer was one named Zexion. He was stationed at the poles almost every night because of high demand. There was one man, appearing to be the age of twenty five, that came to see Zexion every night. He looked to be Irish, with his intoxicating emerald orbs for eyes and spiked red hair.

Johnel: Is it just me or did the author just foreshadow Zexion being paired with the character that canonically killed him. For as you know murder is a fantastic aphrodisiac.  Also is this a whore house or a strip club because the author seems confused on the subject.

The other clients often got jealous of all the special attention Axel got from The Cloaked Schemer (Zexion's dancer name)

Johnel: Stop using elements from cannon to hurt me. Also how is Cloaked Schemer a good name for a stripper?

 and they made lewd remarks or tugged on Zexion's clothing. Thankfully Saix knew he had to protect the scrawny dancer from all of the horny men that attempted to get attention from him. Ever since the Irish man had come into the club more and more people were getting thrown out.

Johnel: Protect him from what exactly? For I’m guessing his job pretty much means his body is an object so I don’t see the connection.

The man was making it hard for the club to make it's usual amount of money, but Xemnas couldn't deny anyone business. Tonight Zexion was giving lap dances with his friend Demyx. They were both two of the most gorgeous dancers.

Johnel: Okay you are using terminology that fits a description of women author and should try to rectify this issue.

 Xemnas had set up a poll to see who was the most gorgeous dancer (who he could make the most money off of) and it went Zexion, Demyx, and then in third Roxas.

Johnel: Roxas is fifteen you sick fuck!

Of course he let the horny costumers decide because they would know best. Roxas was one of the under the legal age dancers. Same went for Sora and Riku.

Johnel: No no no no no. You did not just say Sora and Riku worked at a whore house. Once again author you are a sick fuck.

 It was a surprise that no one had figured it out yet. Xemnas was just waiting for someone to come and arrest him but, even thought they had been there for a few years already,

Johnel: That just makes it worse.

 Xemnas was yet to become figured out. He couldn't deny a beautiful young boy a home when they have nowhere else to go, even if they were underaged.

Johnel: Okay then how about you just let them live there and not be made to have sex with people for money you idiot!

"Zexion!" Demyx laughed.

Zexion slumped in his chair languidly, "Whhaattt...?" he groaned.

"Tough night?" Saix asked massaging Zexion's back.

Johnel: Okay Demyx is now Saix. That or he just said Zexion’s name for no reason.

Zexion nodded and whimpered, "Some of these guys are real weidos," he mumbled.

Johnel: Obvious spelling error is obvious.

Demyx nodded, "I agree...but I haven't seen my favorite client recently," he said looking around the near empty club. They usually didn't get too much business in the middle of the day. All of the clients are usually gone until they put their wives to bed and get done with working. A lot of the client's wives had tried suing OCFYG, but failed terribly because it was still considered a business. (And most of the judges were regular customers and really big perverts)

Johnel: Okay first there is no way someone could get away with running a business like this and second why the hell are all of your clients men?

Zexion got up and grunted something about bed. He began walked through a door that said 'Forbidden entrance' that's where everyone's rooms were, the rooms they stayed at when they weren't tending to a customer that is. He jumped onto his bed and snuggled his pillow whining about how much his thighs ached.


"'s to complain that I'm not doing anything no doubt..." he mumbled to himself. "It's open," he yelled, referring to the door.

Johnel: I thought Saix was in the room with you? Author if you would so kindly  tell us where everyone is or at least remember yourself so this confusing shit doesn’t happen.

The door opened and the blue haired bouncer walked in, closing it behind himself. He walked over and sat on the edge of Zexion's bed. "Poor Zexy," he whispered, stroking Zexion's hair.

Johnel: Great job Saix you just made a chill run down my spine and it is the first chapter.

Zexion rolled his eyes, "Superior fucker," he mumbled into his pillow.

Saix laughed and began to massage Zexion's back. "Poor thing, you have so many knots in your back," he sighed.

"Yeah...these guys are brutal," Zexion sighed. He moaned softly as Saix got the biggest knot out of his back. "Ha...that's nice. I love your massages, Saix." Zexion gave Saix a cheesy grin.

Johnel: Okay first Zexion does not give cheesy grins and second why is your bouncer massaging the employees?

Saix laughed and finished, "There, all better sweet heart," he laughed kissing Zexion's temple.

Johnel: Saix just said sweet heart… we are all doomed.

 Zexion smiled and stretched then exited his room to get back to working

. He sat next to Demyx and brought out a water bottle then took a drink from it. "Work.." he sighed.

Demyx smiled from his client's lap. "I like working," he grinned. His usual client was a well built man with a lot of scars and an eye patch

Johnel: No.

He looked old but was really only in his thirties.

Johnel: No no no.

 (Demyx had asked) He seemed to be very fond of Demyx. They always hung around each other like good friends and you can see the jealousy in Xigbar's eyes when a costumer requested Demyx.

Johnel: God damn it Xigbar is here too.

Zexion sighed as he watched them laugh and kiss and whisper things into each other's ears which resulted in more giggling. He looked down at his feet and mumbled some gibberish. There was nothing Zexion wanted more than someone he really loved. Demyx really loves Xigbar Xigbar really loves Demyx...Xemnas really loves Saix and Saix really loves Xemnas. He also knew Sora and Riku were having a little love affair on their days off and on their breaks. Boy did they have a libido.

Johnel: Okay first things first… Oh god why did I have to read that thing about libido! Second I highly doubt this Bizzaro Xibar loves this Bizzaro Demyx. What he loves is having intercourse with Bizzaro Demyx because Bizzaro Demyx is a whore and that is what you do with whores so stop trying to make it seem romantic author.

There was a ring as a new costumer walked through the door. Zexion rushed to the little booklet at the front desk. He smiled brightly, "Welcome sir!" he smiled.

Johnel: Okay is Xemnas really too cheap to hire a greeter.

The man that entered was wearing a suit with a pinstripe tie and deep black sunglasses. He took a lollipop out of his pale lips and he exhaled deeply. His breath was a mixture of steak and wine. Zexion loved the smell. It smelt like rich! The man had light blonde hair that spiked and he resembled Roxas.

Johnel: Please tell me it isn’t who I think it is.

"I'm looking for a...Zexion," he breathed. His voice was deep and sexy and he looked absolutely rich!

Zexion smiled and tilted his head to the side innocently. "I am him," he giggled. He swayed his hips back and forth ever so slightly to get his maid's dress to sway from side to side.

Johnel: Okay once again this sound more like you are describing a women good sir not a man.

"Come on," the man said grabbing Zexion by the wrists.

Johnel:* As the man* Come with me if you want to live.

Zexion's eyes widened and he let out a loud scream. "Saix! Help me! Rapist, molester! Help!" he yelled.

Johnel:* As Zexion* Help he is trying to have sex with me before paying besides the fact we technically already let pedophiles in for having Sora and Riku work here so it is not like we have any moral compass whatsoever.

Saix sprang out from the back rooms in only his boxers. He tackled the blonde man to the ground and held him back, but the blonde man was still attempting to get up. After much struggle Saix managed to get a paralyzing pressure point in the man's neck.

Johnel: Saix Boxer Clad Ninja Master.

Xigbar jumped up just at the moment Saix protruded from the back rooms. He grabbed Zexion and moved in front of him protectively. He had gotten to know each and every one of the boys so well that they had become like a part of his family. Xemnas was even asking him to work as a bouncer.

Johnel: So you’d hire another man on as a bouncer when you already have Saix BCNM on call. Not only that but you’d be hiring a frequent customer and as such losing his business.  Finally you are hiring another bouncer without hiring either greeters or a massage therapist for the employees. Xemnas you have no idea how to run a business.

The blonde man struggled weakly, "M-My name is C-Cloud Strife!" he gasped. "I-I am working u-under a client wh-who wishes to b-buy Zexion," he nearly whimpered.

Johnel: Okay so now we have gone from prostitution, to pedophilia, and now to slavery. This author just wants to hit all the moral low notes don’t they?

Xemnas slowly walked up, "My dancers aren't for sale," he nearly growled. His dancers were not 'things' and he wasn't about to let some rich stiff come and treat them like possessions.

Johnel: *As Xemnas* Yes they may be whores but they are not possessions good sir and I would kindly ask you to leave.

Johnel: So yeah the chapter just kind of ends there. Well join me next time for chapter two of this horrible fan fiction.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh, my. This is a truly horrifying fic. Pass the brain bleach! Awesome work, though.